I will fully admit this lesson is inspired by Ep 8 where Yoda teaches Luke about failure. After watching that movie I was enraged. How dare my beloved Jedi Luke fail and give up! How dare he sinks to such a low. But after ranting at cats for a while I realized there was indeed a painful lesson to learn: failure. What did I know about failure? Why does this word have such an emotional reaction for me? What have I failed at and how does one over come it? These are questions I hope to answer in this lesson.
I made a post about if you could sit with a broken Luke and talk to him about his failure and why it was important for him to move, what would you say? Well many of you came up with great and funny responses, but I promised I would answer that question in my lesson. Here it is:
I did ice skating for many years. I did lessons and got to watch the little wee kids learn the basics of ice skating, that is falling. They take 3-4 year olds who can barely stand, put them out on the slippery ice, peel them off the wall, and teach them to fall on purpose. Then they teach them to stand back up. And they do this over and over for a lesson or two. They do this because in ice skating you are going to fall a lot. It’s the nature of ice and moving on a slippery surface. Falling hurts both physically and emotionally. I had a lot of bathroom cries in my first few years because I didn’t get this lesson. In life you are going to fall/fail. You have to learn how to deal with falling in a way you don’t get hurt and learn how to get up again. Then you have to keep going because life is short, ice skating sessions are only two hours long, and there is more practice to have. When you fall you can’t just lay there, freezing your bum, feeling sorry for yourself. You only harm yourself. It’s best to pick up, figure out what you did wrong, and try it again.
Training is about growth, learning, progress. In order to get better at something you have to fail, mess up, opps moment. When a little kid is learning to walk, they fall flat on their feet. We praise the ones who don’t cry their head off, get up and try it again. Yet the ones they do cry, we run and cuddle them and then get them up and have them try again. We have to accept that when trying something new you have to face failure. It’s not the end of the world and tears are to be expected, but it’s better not to have them in the first place.
We have a fear of failure that I blame both society and school for teaching us. In school you aren’t given many chances at learning. You learn the lesson, being walked through a math problem. If you have a good teacher, you will get several more examples. The teacher might even have you do one in class and look for the common mistake. Then you get homework, where you get to try it alone, with no help. You turn in the homework and get punished for your mistake. It’s counted against you for failing. You might get more homework or just be expected to figure out the mistake on your own. Maybe you are brave enough to tell the teacher of your failure and see help, but that’s not often done as it’s considered “bothering the teacher”. Then comes the test. This is your last chance to prove you learned from your failure and are punished for it. In school you are only rewarded for easy success, not for failure. No wonder why kids don’t want to try.
In society we are often cruel to those who fail. Think how we treat the homeless. They obviously failed at something to end up where they are. Maybe it was drugs, losing their job, lack of managing money, betrayed by family or friends, health issues, unable to clean a place, or simply mentally ill and not able to keep a place. We call this failure at life and we look down on them so much for that failure. How dare they end up in such a sad state. How dare they not be able to find a job, wisely spend money, or not overcome their addiction. How dare they fail! Don’t be too quick to judge others for their failures when you fail all the time too. It’s better to try use empathy and compassion for other’s failures than to be negative and drive them deeper into the pain of their failure.
The funny thing about failure is it makes a wonderful, inspiring movie. We glorify failure from a distance. A sport player struggling to get a team to listen and work together, a businessman trying to provide a good life for his son, a woman struggling with connect and understand aliens, a math genius trying to function in a society that doesn’t get him. We can relate to their struggle, cry as they fail, cheer as they figure out the key to their problem, smile at their reward and recognition. We love to watch this movies, which is why we watch them over and over. We even love reading about cancer victims winning the fight. We love watching our own students overcoming a major flaw or fear. Yet we hate it when it becomes our turn.
Dealing with failure is not fun. It’s a big hit to the ego. You are faced with the face you are human. You are not perfect. Not all things come to you easily. You are humbled. And it really really hurts. It’s also frustrating because while you can see that you fail, you can’t see the answer, the solution, the missing piece. It’s hard to get up and try again, knowing you could fall on your bum, feeling the cold wet pain of ice. It makes you scared to try again. It makes it hard to put the same effort in, yet it’s the only way you can get past the failure.
When you are failing over and over and over, it’s times to really look at why and what you can do to overcome it. Sometimes we aren’t even willing to admit we failed or willing to look for an answer. When you fail, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself and see why you failed. Did you do the technique right? Did you follow the instructions or heed the warning? Did you go too fast or push too hard? Did you not consider another person’s feelings? It’s hard to admit these things because it means accepting the blow to your ego. You might feel ashamed, embarrassed, scared, or angry. That is all natural and normal. The trick is not to let your emotions paralyze you into inaction and misery.
Do remember this: failure doesn’t make you the worse person in the universe. It doesn’t mean you will screw up for the rest of your life. You aren’t doomed to make this mistake forever. It doesn’t mean you can’t try again or make it right. Don’t give up hope just because you screwed up, or you really will have screwed up. Being hard on yourself may seem like a good motivation technique to screw up again, but it doesn’t accomplish much. Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Likely the world doesn’t know about your mistake and even if they did, they may be more understanding than you think. However it’s ok to take a break (not forever!) sleep on it, and try it again another day.
The other hard part about failure is the fear that it will happen again. It was bad enough the first time, you certainly don’t want to go through it again. Yet, more than likely there will be more failures, more falls on the ice, more F’s on the tests, more failed dates. You have to get into a determined mindset, a focused one, to figure out the problem and that likely means getting creative. You need to pick yourself up, rally yourself, get yourself excited and energized. It’s time to give it your all. Picture yourself accomplishing the task and how awesome that feels. Use that emotion and visualization to empower yourself. Maybe throw a treat in like I can have really yummy popcorn if I can write this article about failure. I am imagining some of the great comments that people will leave. I am imaging how this work might just help someone I don’t know get through some problem they have. This is going to be so useful to someone. Alright let’s write!
For most failures I find that research helps greatly in either avoiding the failure or finding the answer. In the world of the internet, you can find the answer to most of your failures. Maybe you need to have someone with you to see where the problem is like a coach, an expert, or just an observant friend. Sometimes you need to talk to someone and use them as a sounding board or be willing to hear their suggestions, which is hard to do. Maybe you need to try a radical approach, one that seems left field, crazy. It’s easy to get close, single minded, convinced there is only one way of doing things and not seek another approach. Just remember to be nice and patience with those who are trying to help you. They may have to fail a few times before they can understand the problem and help you.
The last thing to remember is there is one wonderful thing about failure: success! That beautiful wonderful, glowing, gratifying moment of getting it! Although you had to try it 38 times, throw a lot of times, money, and effort into it, you eventually got it! Hopefully friends and family will praise and support you for your efforts! Feel free to post on the internet how you struggled, why you struggled, how you got the answer, and yes go ahead and do a tiny bit of bragging. A little ego puffing is ok after having to face the pain of failure. Your failure is someone’s lesson and answer. Hopefully someone else can avoid your mistake. Maybe they can expand on your discovery and teach us all a brand new concept.