As Jedi Knights, and as people in general, you will often find that people come to you with problems, or with things they wish to confide in you. It happens with everyone. Human beings have a basic psychological need for companionship, for friendship, for a return of love given, for demonstrations of trust given and received. However, a Jedi, due to his or her nature, has a responsibility to help others, to serve as a guardian of truth, honor and justice and a defender of the innocent, to live as befits his or her calling and let the Light shine through all that he or she is and does. People do tend to look up to us. Idealistic? It may seem so. But it is a proven fact in social psychology that we become what we think we are. And it is a spiritual law that acts of love, joy, peace and kindness create positive energy – which attracts other positive energy, and which creates other acts of love, joy, peace and kindness in turn. I have discussed the “ripple effect” elsewhere and will only touch on it here. What is important to note is that your positive energy will not only attract other positive energy, but also sometimes some severely negative energy (which we see in people who are angry, disillusioned, depressed and so forth). Why? These people need balance, and seek our help to gain the positive energy needed to regain their center.
OK, you may ask, if we Jedi are so full of this positive energy, then why are WE not as unbalanced as some of those we seek to help? Look at the Code. A Jedi stays centered, and at peace, the majority of the time. It is part of our Code. We all learn, at some point, to face and confront our Dark Side, to drive the monster from us and to ensure that it does not return to haunt us. Yet in doing this battle within ourselves, we find that the monster has left footprints on our souls. We know our weaknesses: be they a violent temper, a weakness for a chemical substance, overconfidence, an addiction to a certain set of behaviors, etc. In other words, we know of the chinks in our armor. And we are careful not to fall in the same traps, so we acknowledge our weaknesses, take control of them so they no longer control us, and compensate for them in other areas of our lives. Again, Jedi are human beings, not saints. And we must remain in touch with our humanity if we are to help others. As Jedi must.
When a person comes to you for help, whether online or in your actual home community, the most important tool you will have is that of active listening. Active listening is a set of techniques that are taught in a basics communications class. The goal of active listening is for you to draw the person out, to encourage further and deeper communication, and thus to gauge the mind and the feelings more fully. The more you know about the situation, the better equipped you will be to intervene. We will look at the basic elements of active listening first, then apply them to the Jedi.
· Eye contact. This is the most important component of active listening, and extremely important. Eye contact is the single most powerful non-verbal communication we have to emphasize that the other person is important, he or she matters, and we think enough of them to give our undivided attention. Now, I realize full well that eye contact is impossible on the Internet – unless you happen to be a strong visionary, of course, and can “see” the person with your Inner Eye. In this instance, I would have to say that a Jedi mind-link in the Force is the equal of eye contact. We can achieve this through concentrating on each other’s Force presences, and it is important to keep focus – no counseling sessions going on at the same time as ICQ messages, a chat room or two, IMs dinging all over the place, etc. Keep the conversation private and make sure that is ALL you have going on at the moment, if you possibly can.
· Non-verbal cues. Again, this one is just impossible on the Net – again unless you have a mind-link of sorts and a strong sense of vision. However, it is a fair bet that you run into people every day in your home community and will communicate with several of them on a daily basis. Watch them carefully. Study their facial expressions, their posture, their gestures, their body positions, and so forth. If they are sitting down with you, are they leaning forward (implying interest and a desire to communicate) or away (implying a wish to keep their distance, and avoid confronting the issue)? Is their body stance open (uncrossed arms and legs – again implying a willingness for open communication) or closed (the opposite)? Study the amount of personal space they need, and keep within their comfort zone. Are they “touchy-feely” types or are they keeping their distance? It is important to remember to trust your feelings. Jedi can not only see non-verbal cues, but we also feel the surge of thoughts and emotions which accompany them, and can act and react accordingly. There is a great deal we communicate outside of our words.
· Voice tone. This one really is self-explanatory. A compassionate, caring tone in our voices will generate more open conversation than a snapping, abrupt tone. A soft voice will encourage more open and honest conversation than a loud, brash one. Come on. We all know this. And it is
indeed possible for us to imply voice tone over the Internet in the words we type, simply by the words and sentence structure we use.
· Feedback. No one likes to just ramble on, only hearing their own voice. OK, so we may run into some politicians, bureaucrats, preachers and so forth who like to talk – a LOT – but everyone needs to know that their words are getting somewhere, are having an effect, not just hitting a brick wall. To that end, periodic nods, brief statements such as “I’m listening”, “Please continue”, “I understand that” or even “Uh huh” or “Hmmm”; let the person know that you are not there for decoration, that you actually are listening to them, you are following their story, and you do care about what they are saying.
· Open-ended questions and comments. This gets into some basic counseling, and is needed in order to help the person sort out his or her feelings, to gain insight and to make sure you both are on the same page. Trust your feelings as to what to say and when to say it. For instance, during a pause in the conversation, you might say “What I hear you saying is __________” and let the other person confirm or deny it. This lets you know that you are following the story correctly (or not), have a fairly accurate take on the other person’s feelings and perceptions regarding the situation (or not) and again, are interested in them and what they have to say. Periodically, in the course of a conversation, you will have to ask questions in order to clarify some point, to help the person gain insight into his or her feelings and actions, or to gain understanding of the person’s feelings, perceptions, motives and so forth. There are two ways you could go with this. Closed-ended questions are those which can be answered with a simple yes or no. “So when he said that you felt really angry?” “So you decided then you were never going to speak to her again?” “You always wear red on Thursdays?” and so on. Then there are the open-ended questions -those which require more extended answers. “How did that make you feel?” “Why do you think you (he, she) did that?” “How does that sort of thing happen?” “What would you do if…” and so on. Again, trust your feelings and go with your instincts.
· Self-disclosure. OK. This one is tricky, since it makes you (gasp) a human being, able to share experiences with the other person. But it is necessary. We all see examples of self-disclosure every day, in a million ways. “Oh, yeah? Hey, me too!” “That kind of thing happens to me all the time.” “I thought I was the only one who felt that way.” And so on. This is what forms common bonds between people. And this is what will form a relationship between you and the other person. As a common bond forms, the more open and honest communication tends to become. And sometimes self-disclosure can be therapeutic, for both you and the other person. For example, if you have experienced some of the same things they are going through, you could tell them how you handled it, what actions you took. If there was an insight you gained from a certain experience that you feel would benefit them, you could perhaps share that story, and relay that insight to them. Sometimes, indeed, you will gain insight from self-disclosure independent of the other person. The Force at work. No, I am not saying trust everyone with your entire life story. No, I am not even recommending that you take everyone at face value. Face it. Some people out there are just full of it, and they can and do represent themselves in any way they wish. Some will, more or less subtly, try to manipulate you in one way or another – and will try to find and press your “hot buttons”. You will probably, in the course of your life, hear every sob story there is. But you will also be able to sort out the truth from the lies by reaching out with the Force. Just be mindful, as Moor always says. Trust those Jedi instincts. Let the Force guide you.
The most important thing to remember in any kind of helping situation is to keep an attitude of caring and compassion at your center, and let wisdom and understanding flow from that. Let agape be your motivation for helping. People can spot insincerity and B.S. (sorry, no other word for it) a mile off, and this is NOT conducive to trust.
Another thing to remember is to keep an open mind. Remember, we are human beings too, and as such our feelings and perceptions are colored by preconceived ideas and what society has taught us. If we approach a situation with an open mind and a “blank slate”, we are more likely to be of real help. An example (and an object lesson in the use of self-disclosure :)): the other night, I was in the chat room and one person in there claimed to be experiencing a bad Force disturbance, complete with screams and falling buildings. I reached out and did not feel anything. Now, there were two basic ways I could go with this, for starters. I could have dismissed this person as a liar outright, relying on my own skills and knowledge being superior (which would really imply overconfidence and arrogance on my part, I might add) – or I could keep an open mind about it, accept the possibility that something really WAS going on, and gauge the situation
further. I chose to keep an open mind and asked this person several open-ended questions. What did that person feel? Where did that person think the disturbance was taking place? What did that person see, if anything? My basic instincts said this person was lying about everything, simply was starved for attention and had a somewhat slippery grasp on consensual reality. However, I wanted to make sure – and I had the advantage of having several other Jedi Knights in the room at the same time :), so I took the liberty of getting second and third opinions from them. Hey, I never refuse help. They also asked valuable questions and employed caring, active listening. Turns out we concurred that nothing happened and that we were dealing with an attention-seeker – and subsequent statements from this person confirmed what my instincts told me. However, the way we all handled this situation resulted in the person being, for a time at least, really listened to, and made to feel welcome and valued as a person. These seeds planted by active listening may sprout, and the person may come back and learn, and grow. Then again, this person may not. The choice, after all, rests with them. Not us. But we do what we can, when we can, while we can. We are Jedi.
Sometimes there will come a situation in which you find yourself in over your head, for instance, when dealing with a severely depressed or disturbed person, or one with severe psychosocial stressors. When and if that happens, GET HELP. Seek out someone you trust, and get their take on the situation. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Jedi are human beings, and we are not expected to wear superhero capes all the time. There are problems out there that require professional mental health or social service intervention and it is our responsibility to know what we can do and when to recommend outside intervention. To that end, making lists of counseling centers, social service agencies and other human service resources in your area is a valuable tool, and your intervention can be that much more powerful and effective.
May the Force be with you, and may you rest in the love and care of the Divine.